I remember looking at the ultrasound screen and there being nothing there. Again. No baby. The hurt in my heart was immeasurable. Yet another month of infertility treatments out the window with nothing to show for it. Just a blank screen. I remember putting my head back on the chair and feeling tears fall down my face that felt so hot I thought they may have been burning my skin, but I didn’t care. All I could think was is this some sort of punishment? Had I done something so wrong that God would take away the only thing I have ever wanted in life? Was I just not meant to be a mommy? The next thing I knew we were sitting in the doctor’s office where she explained we were down to only a few more options fertility treatment wise. She told us we could do one more round of Gonal F treatments, along with various other shots and pills mixed in for one hormone level or another. And then we would have to start looking into either In-vitro fertilization, or maybe even adoption.
My husband and I drove home that day in silence. Neither one of us wanted to talk about it. He drove, and I just stared out the window. Hopeless. That’s all I could feel. I knew it would be years before we could afford In-vitro and that wasn’t even a guaranteed thing. That night at dinner we decided we would do one more round of treatments, and then we would start looking into adoption.
A few weeks later we started our next (and last) round. We were excited, and uncharacteristically optimistic. We went in for the first ultrasound to see if there were any viable follicles (Eggs). After what felt like an eternity we were told that I had over-stimulated this round (for those of you who are unfamiliar with this term.. it means I had too many eggs, and they would not perform the IUI (Inter Uterine Insemination). I felt defeated. How can I go from not having any eggs to having too many? I mean really? It felt like a cruel joke. Once again we had a decision to make.. This time we got our knees and prayed.. we prayed like never before begging for clarity and peace. When we finished our prayer, we both said the same thing… “I think we should try naturally!!” Forget the IUI, we have a ton of eggs in there!! How can we not at least try?! We called the doctors the next day to tell them what we had decided and they strongly advised against it, in fear of multiples.. and when I say multiples I don’t mean twins, or even triplets.. but we decided we would rather have 4-5 or maybe even 6 babies (yikes!) than none at all!! So we went for it!! (No pun intended haha)
Two weeks later, exactly 9 years from our first date, we finally saw this:
After 3 years of trying and 2 years of infertility treatments… WE WERE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!
Now, normally this feeling of elation would have been interrupted with the thought of.. Oh Crap.. How many are in there?!! But the bliss of being pregnant was too big… I felt NOTHING but JOY!!!!!!! I was quite possibly the happiest person on earth that day!!! A few weeks later we found out that shockingly there was only one baby in there… We were thrilled. A true gift from God.
And 9 months later on March 12th at 4:01 pm, I gave birth to a perfect baby boy. Holding that precious little baby for the very first time made every tear, every negative pregnancy test, every doubt, every sick day and every fear worth it. I had a feeling in my heart I had never known. I was whole. I was a mommy.
It’s hard to believe that was six years ago.
Happy Birthday to the sweetest, cutest, bravest, funniest, strongest, most precious 6 year old boy I know. Thank you for making me believe in Miracles and answered prayers. I love you with all my heart my little man. You will always be Mama’s Baby♥