In honor of this week being Infertility awareness week I wanted to write a little something for those of you who may know a good friend or family member struggling with infertility.
1. Don’t say “Just relax, it will happen”- You have no idea how many times a week your friend has to hear this from everyone else, she does not need to hear it from her bestie too. Don’t you think she has tried that? “Relaxing” is not going to magically fix infertility. And you telling her to relax, will make her feel the complete opposite of relaxed.
2. Do know when she tests each month. Every single month your friend will most likely be testing to see if this is “her month” the month she has anticipated for far too long. Her month to finally be pregnant. Know when she tests each month, ask once, and then keep track so that she doesn’t have to tell you every time. Then you’ll also know what kind of support she will need without her asking for it.
3. Don’t keep your baby’s details to yourself: If you’re a mom, with a new baby, I know it seems like your friend who is struggling with conceiving might not want to hear about yours… But they do. Maybe not every detail, but she wants to feel included in your life just as she was before you had a baby. She love’s your baby too. Who knows, maybe holding your baby will give her hope to be one day holding her own.
4. Do support and encourage your girl friend. Let her know you are there, and that she is not going through this alone. I remember when I was going through fertility treatments one of my best friends bought me a massage.. Not because she was telling me to “relax” but she was telling me, I earned it, and that I deserved it. That always stood out to me throughout the years. It made me feel like someone cared. Like they saw my pain and wanted to help ease it.
5. Don’t talk about how easy it was for you to get pregnant. Trust me, this is the LAST thing your friend wants to hear right now. She already feels like a failure for not being able to get pregnant/stay pregnant.. she doesn’t need to hear how you got pregnant without even trying.
6. Do still make time for couples dates. Just because you have a baby and they don’t, doesn’t mean its time to get new friends. Take the time to hangout like you used to. Yes she will understand if its not as often, but try to make an effort to at least do it once a month.
7. Don’t pretend it’s not happening. Talk about it. There is not much worse then a friend who completely avoids the topic all together. Trust me, there are enough moments where your friend has to sit in silence and think about this all by herself… Let her talk to you. Ask her how she is. Does it have to be the topic of conversation every time you see her? Definitely not, but at least show her you care enough to check on her.
8.Do know she is happy for you and your recent pregnancy announcement but that she may need a little time to digest the news. She really is excited for you.. It’s just her pain is too great in that moment to meet your happiness. Just give her time, and probably some space to let her sort through her sorrow and joy. The thing you have to remember is every single month she plays this moment in her head, the one where she is able to announce she is the one finally pregnant, and month after month she has say good bye to that dream. But I promise you, deep down, she is so happy your dream has come true for you, and she will soon show you that.
9. Don’t assume you know her pain. Just listen to her. Let her cry, yell or just be silent. Just hug her and love her. Don’t try to fix something you can’t fix. She doesn’t want to hear about some lady at work who had a sister who got pregnant after 4 years of infertility. I know you think this might give her hope, but it really doesn’t. It just makes her feel like you really don’t get her struggle.
10. Do pray. Pray for her and her husband often and fiercely. They need prayer now more than probably ever before. Not just for a baby, but for their marriage. Infertility takes such a toll on marriage. Even the strongest couples start to break after a while. If you do anything for her.. let it be pray.
X♥O Nicole
This is incredible I have several friends who have this problem but I pray for them everyday!
Thank you!! And yes, prayer is so important!!
Such a sensitive topic. Great advice.
Thank you Elizabeth!
I’ve known a few people who struggled with infertility, and it’s so hard to know what to do and say. Thanks for sharing this! I would not have thought that talking about it would be better than not bringing it up.
I am so glad this post helped! Thank you for stopping by Mommy Talk!
I love this! Such great advice. We are struggling to get pregnant and I feel like so many people around us could benefit from it. Number 8 is especially close to my heart. It seems like everyone is getting pregnant around us. Yes, we are happy for you but there is also a sadness to it for us. Thanks for sharing!
Absolutely Tabitha.. Such hard emotion to sort through.. but I pray and hope your journey brings you to motherhood sooner than later. Don’t give up hope! Ill say a prayer for you tonight!!
I love this post!!
Thank you Jessica!
I have a sister in law who I am very close to. She had her daughter and oldest around the time tht I had my first. I then went on to have two more. She eventually got pregnant, but when we told her we were pregnant with our third she cried. It was a heartbreaking moment for her and I wish with everything I could have taken her pain away. She did eventually get her second child. It is a slippery and difficult road to go down, one I am so fortunate to not have experienced. BUt, I have hurt and cried with people who struggled. I have felt the guilt of conceiving so easily. These are great things to say to someone. I will keep them in mind for the future.
Thank you Emily, its so hard to know what to do, which is part of the reason I wrote this, because I remember my friends and family not knowing what to say or do, and me not being able to tell them in them in those moments… My hope was that this would help people in the future <3
These are GREAT tips! I have a close friend who is really struggling right now. I struggled to get pregnant with my first and so she has confided in me a lot. Even though I’ve been in her shoes, it is still so hard to know what to say sometimes. When I was going through it, nothing anyone said was ever truly comforting although I know they meant well.
Thank you, I am so glad you liked the tips!!
These are such great tips! I’ve yet to have a close friend experience issues with fertility, but if I ever do, I’ll definitely remember these guidelines. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Miranda! Thanks for stopping by Mommy Talk!
These are such great tips! I’ve yet to have a close friend experience issues with fertility, but if I ever do, I’ll definitely remember these guidelines. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Miranda! Thanks for stopping by Mommy Talk!
I think number 9 is such an important one, to just listen and be there for somebody else. They don’t always want you triedo try and make them feel better or solve a problem, they just want somebody to lend an empathetic ear. Number two is something I wouldn’t have thought of, thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much Justine!! I am so glad the advice was useful to you!
I think number 9 is such an important one, to just listen and be there for somebody else. They don’t always want you triedo try and make them feel better or solve a problem, they just want somebody to lend an empathetic ear. Number two is something I wouldn’t have thought of, thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much Justine!! I am so glad the advice was useful to you!
I’m the one who is struggling with infertility and miscarriage and I’ve read your advices. I wish some of my friends and family would read them… They are great! Thanks a lot for this post.
I am so sorry Vanesa, I know how hard this journey is.. but I pray you never lose hope, and dig deep to stay strong, even on the toughest days. I hope you are surrounded around a ton of loving family and friends!!! Please feel free to message me at any time if you need to talk. I have been there and can always be a listening ear.. xoxo
Thanks for your words Nicole. And thanks for being a listening ear, it is so important for me nowadays… Sometimes I feel as I talk to much about this hard journey, but I know it is something that helps me to stay strong and don’t lose hope. Again, thanks a lot. And you have a new reader! =)
I’m the one who is struggling with infertility and miscarriage and I’ve read your advices. I wish some of my friends and family would read them… They are great! Thanks a lot for this post.
I am so sorry Vanesa, I know how hard this journey is.. but I pray you never lose hope, and dig deep to stay strong, even on the toughest days. I hope you are surrounded around a ton of loving family and friends!!! Please feel free to message me at any time if you need to talk. I have been there and can always be a listening ear.. xoxo
Thanks for your words Nicole. And thanks for being a listening ear, it is so important for me nowadays… Sometimes I feel as I talk to much about this hard journey, but I know it is something that helps me to stay strong and don’t lose hope. Again, thanks a lot. And you have a new reader! =)
Wonderful advise, thank you
Thank you! And thank you for stopping by Mommy Talk!
You didnt need this advice Katie! You did all of this! I was able to write this article because I had you by my side all those years doing this!!! I can never thank you enough for that!!!! Love you!! xoxo
A lot of really great advice, thank you. I’ve not experienced infertility personally, but many close to my heart have, and I was just having a discussion with another friend recently on helping a mutual friend who is currently struggling. It’s always a bit of a fine line between being sensitive and still being normal.
Thank you Brandee! And you are right, such a fine line…
A lot of really great advice, thank you. I’ve not experienced infertility personally, but many close to my heart have, and I was just having a discussion with another friend recently on helping a mutual friend who is currently struggling. It’s always a bit of a fine line between being sensitive and still being normal.
Thank you Brandee! And you are right, such a fine line…
Wonderful advice that I am sure will help so many people. I only wish that you had this all typed up and written for me 8 or so years ago 😉
I love that you are using this blog as a way to share your personal experiences (painful and joyful) to help others—keep it coming!
You didnt need this advice Katie! You did all of this! I was able to write this article because I had you by my side all those years doing this!!! I can never thank you enough for that!!!! Love you!! xoxo
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