I know “mommy wars” is a hot topic right now and I try to avoid writing articles about these types of things, because frankly most of them annoy me. But after being in my sons preschool drop off line it became very clear to me why this term “mommy wars” even exists.
As I stood there waiting for the doors to open at my sons school, a mom who was in line behind me says to a mom standing across from me “Wasn’t this weekend just so beautiful??” The mom across from me agrees. Then (let’s call her mom A), continues on to say how disappointed she was because she wasn’t able to take her children to the pumpkin patch during the great weather because their weekend was already so busy. This is where my eyes were opened a bit. Mom B (the other mom) then takes it upon herself to tell Mom A about how she in fact was able to take her kids to the pumpkin patch this past weekend and how perfect it was. Mom A immediately looks down at her feet as though she had some how failed her family by not taking them and says “I always seem to miss the perfect weekend to go”. Mom B doesn’t flinch, she just continues on about all the great things they did. Never once picking up the cues that Mom A was clearly feeling inadequate at the moment. Or maybe she did pick up on that, and that’s what fueled her fire on continuing on. I am unsure. Now these two appeared to be friends, yet in that moment this “friend” was the very one making this mom feel not good enough.
As I watched the transaction I couldn’t help but to wonder… Has society made us so eager to validate ourselves as moms that we have become oblivious on how to be a friend? I know daily, us moms feel as though we have to justify our decisions (You’re not breastfeeding?! Lazy! You’re breastfeeding until she’s 2?! Ewww!! He’s not walking yet?? Yikes! You’re homeschooling?? Weirdo! She’s not going to 3 year old preschool?? Lost cause! He’s already reading? What are you trying to prove?) and the list goes on. And the worst part is.. This judgement isn’t just from strangers. It’s from friends and family. Creating this world where moms can’t just be moms anymore. We are now in competition with other moms, friends included, to some how live up to these standards that we in actuality place on ourselves. Even if that means making another mom feel less than.
How easy would it have been for that mom to just say “oh don’t worry about it there’s always next weekend!” Sometimes it’s about reading the situation. It’s about knowing your friends well enough to know that in that moment they need you to tell them “it’s okay! You haven’t failed!” It’s knowing when it’s a good time to brag a little about your own child or your awesome mom moment and when to take a step back and realize that’s not what that mom needs to hear at the time. It’s about willing to admit that you too have your mom fail days and that they are not alone!
We are all moms, trying to do our best each and every day but far too often feel we are coming up short because we are comparing our “mom fail moments” to other moms “super mom moments”.
My hope is that when I am put in this situation, I will know that the mom in front of me just needs to hear “there’s always next weekend.”
XO Nicole
You nailed it! It’s so sad that some moms feel the need to validate themselves by trying to make others feel inferior. I wish that the trials and challenges of being a mom would be enough to encourage people to support each other, but sadly, that’s not always the case. Great piece!
Exactly! Glad to hear I am not alone in feeling this way! 🙂
The funny thing is, I think those small jabs come from a place of insecurity. Anytime I get one I feel great that someone must feel like i am a great mom if they have the need to compete with me. Lucky for them, I am not tough to beat in most departments.
Aww crystal, I am sure you have a ton to be envious of. And good for you for not taking it personal. Definitely takes a strong woman to see through the not so nice moments!
As someone who is always missing the weekend and feeling like my poor little kids are deprived compared to the big kids who went lots of places because we were younger and more energetic and less busy, I thank you for this post. 🙂
You’re very welcome Leslie!
So true and so happy you shared. My wonderful husband always reminds me that you never know what someone else struggle it and they most likely act out that way to hide their issue.
Sounds like a smart man!! 🙂
I often missed things with my own kids, but we did plenty of other things too. I think social media and all the pictures everyone posts about their perfect pumpkin picking weekend etc. really puts pressure on people. There is no rule that you even HAVE to go to the pumpkin patch!
Great point!! So true!
I don’t think that all moms try to make others feel bad by talking about their weekend or whatever. They may be genuinely trying to be friendly and not mean anything by what they are saying. I have learned when people start talking about themselves to ask questions about what they are talking about and not take it personal. I don’t let it make me feel insecure. The internet makes me feel bad with all the pretty pictures and everyone looking so put together all the time.
I agree 100% that it’s not always purposeful! Sometimes people truly are just not aware of how they are effecting people. But that’s kind of my point, that I wish moms were more tuned in to other moms. And trust me I get that sometimes we just like to share what we did because it was a nice time and thats what friends do! But this particular situation didnt give off that vibe. But with that said, I am sure there have been moments that I haven’t been aware of how my own actions effected someone and this particlur interaction made me want to be more aware of that in the future 🙂
This is spot on! Moms completing with other moms… sad but true! I’ve also seen one too many times and it makes me so upset. It’s probably why I don’t have many friends because I feel I’m always being judged by someone. Great post!!! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Ashleigh! But I have a hard time believing you don’t have many friends! You seem so fun and sweet in all your posts! 🙂 but sorry your always feeling judged. I know how tough that is 🙁
We went to the apple orchard/pumpkin patch last weekend. The pumpkin patch was non-existent because it got washed out with all the rains we had this year. We did pick some apple but it kept raining on and off. Although we did make memories it’s not the type of trip worth making anyone jealous. You just have to do the best you can, smile and have fun along the way.
Hahaha this definitely made me smile! Thanks for keeping it real!!
Great post. Thank you for sharing. I don’t ever take what people say personally. Sometimes, I just can’t do everything in one weekend – or I have what I call a “mom fail” day (Like driving to the wrong soccer field 30 min away from where you are supposed to be). You just have to do your best and move on. Missing a nice weekend pumpkin picking is not the worse thing that could happen in life. Like you said, there is always next weekend!