In honor of infertility awareness week:
When I first was told I had fertility issues and may not conceive children, a part of me nearly died. I didn’t know my future without children in it. I loved kids and had always wanted to be a mommy for as far back as I can remember, so the thought that may not be a possibility nearly destroyed me. I can’t even count the doctors appointment I had during those three years, at least 2 a week to give you some-what of an idea. I had to have my blood taken so many time my veins began to collapse and my husband had to inject needles of different hormones and follicle stimulating medications into my body because I couldn’t handle doing it myself. I had to sign wavers acknowledging my fertility treatments increased my chances of certain kinds of cancers and I had to say good bye to a baby that wasn’t meant to be month after month after month. But even with all of that, I wouldn’t have changed any if it. I know that may sound odd, and even like I am a glutton for punishment, but my infertility journey changed me in ways I can’t even describe (but I’ll try) and I am so thankful for that.
1. The first reason I am so thankful for my infertility journey is because it made me a better person. Maybe not at first, in fact I am pretty sure it made me a bitter, angry person for quite some time. But after the initial shock and sadness, it made me feel for other people in ways I never had before. Sitting in those doctors appointments it very quickly became apparent who was there for the same reasons I was and who was not. I would sit in those waiting rooms praying for the other women. Hoping they too would one day have a baby in their arms. I also found myself more in tuned with other people’s emotions in general. It made me so much more aware of other people’s pain and afflictions, which in return resulted in me being able to be there for them in ways I never had been before. For the first time in my life I really saw other peoples hearts, even the parts they were trying to hide.
2. The second reason I am thankful is because it made me and my husband bond in a way we never had before. I saw my husband in a different light, and I was able to see that he was in this for the long haul. He stuck by my side through some of my darkest times and he showed me what it truly meant to love each other through good times and bad. Some of my favorite memories I have with him are the nights we knelt down by our couch and prayed together until our knees hurt and our tears ran out. It’s a sad memory yes, but it’s a memory that will forever be engraved into my heart because those prayers not only brought us our children, but they taught us how to pray as a couple.
3. The third reason I am thankful is because it made me a better mom when it was finally my time. I am not by any means saying moms who didn’t go through fertility struggles aren’t just as good of moms, because I know they are. But this one is personally the case for me. I was a very selfish person before this long journey of heart ache and I think if I had gotten pregnant right away, I wouldn’t have truly appreciated it like I did after 3 years of not being able to conceive. It made me want to enjoy every second of my pregnancy and it made me want to spend every possible moment with my new baby (and my next two babies)… I had longed for them for so many years that when the day finally came where I was blessed to have them, nothing else mattered. I learned to try and never take them for granted from the very first day, and I am forever thankful for that.
4. My infertility journey also taught me patience I never knew I had. I am a pretty impatient person in general, probably one of the reason I tend to like having control. But infertility put a stop to both of those things (being impatient and in control) REAL QUICK… Much to my dismay. Nothing about getting pregnant happened fast. Not the Doctors appointments, not the treatments, not the month long cycles of disappointment. NONE of it. In fact most of the process was excruciatingly slow. And I realized very quickly there was nothing I personally could do to speed up the process. It was all up to my doctors, my uterus and ovaries and God, none of which I had control over. So I grew patience like no ones business and I waited…. and waited… and waited. Some days I grew angry, upset, and sad but it all taught me that it was never up to me. It was never my timing or my decision in the first place. I learned to finally place it in Gods hands and leave it there. Which ended up being a valuable lesson that I needed to learn in order to deal with so many other events that have happened since those days of waiting to conceive.
5. I also discovered who was really there for me and was purposeful about being a part of my journey with me. Remember all those doctors appointments I talked about? My mom went to so many of them with me I lost count, because I was too scared to go alone and Mike couldn’t miss that much of work. So she sat with me, for hours. I am pretty sure those hours of sitting in waiting rooms together helped us form a bond we never had prior and I am beyond thankful for that. I also had the wonderful support of some really incredible friends and my amazing dad and siblings. Each one of them cheering me on as if they were running the race right along side of me. I was quickly able to decipher who was meant to be in my life from that point on and who was not, and although that reality was not always easy.. it was life changing, in such an important way.
So, all that to say… If you find yourself here reading this today, still struggling to get pregnant and feeling like this all might break you, I encourage you to find hope. Don’t give up and please, dear God, please don’t let this break you. I know it’s hard, and I know there are days where you cry more than you ever knew was humanly possible… But please don’t lose hope. I will be praying for you just as I did for all of those women in the waiting rooms years ago, and I will be praying that one day you too will be able to look back and feel grateful for your infertility journey as well… Even if you are not feeling even close to that right now. I pray you will get there one day.
Hi Nicole,
I have one main reason to be thankful for my infertility journey. I don’t and never want kids. Thank god I’m infertile in rare cases that birth control doesn’t work!
Well that’s definitely one way of looking at it!! Its awesome that you are happy without kids, and that it kind of worked out in your favor. Thanks for being so honest and sharing your perspective! I love hearing different peoples views in life. Hope you have a great day!