I remember sitting in one of my 9th grade classes on the first day of school. The teacher announced she was going to do an “ice breaker” in order to get to know everyone better. My heart immediately sank. I hated ice breakers and I hated talking in front of people during class even more. My stomach was in knots and I just wanted to hide somewhere in the back of the room. It only became worse when she said that the ice breaker was going to be throwing this little bean bag around the room, and when you caught the bean bag you had to say your name and something you were good at. I instantly felt light headed. “I am not good at anything” I remember thinking to myself. Sure I played soccer almost my whole life but I was far from the best on the team. I did pretty good in school grade wise but I worked my butt off at it, as it did not come naturally to me at all. So clearly I wasn’t good at that either. I couldn’t think of a single thing I was actually GOOD at because I had spent my entire life up until that moment measuring my self worth by other peoples successes. I felt as though most of the things I did was never quite as good as when someone else did it.
So there I was, frantically racking my brain when all of a sudden it was my turn. The bean bag landed in my hands and I remember barely being able to talk. My mouth was dry and my heart was beating so fast and loud I could hear it thumping in my ears. I finally managed to say I was a good sister. Which even that I doubted, and felt like was sort of a lie. I was kind of mean to my little brother and sister at the time and wasn’t super close with my older sister. But that’s all I could think of. The teacher even hesitated for a second, because I don’t think that’s the type of answer she was looking for but by the grace of God she moved on before my face got any redder. I remember leaving that class so embarrassed that I couldn’t think of anything I was actually good at. Replaying all the awesome things other people were able to say about themselves, and wondering why I couldn’t feel that way about myself.
This feeling has stemmed well into my adulthood, and has often plagued me as a stay at home mom. There has been times where I have felt others thought I was a stay at home mom because I wasn’t good at anything else, when the truth was A) other people probably were not even taking the time to think anything about my job situation let alone analyze why I made the decision to stay home with my kids and B) I was actually very good at my past job, but I just never allowed myself to feel that way.
I can’t help but to think how many times us moms feel like I did back as a 9th grade student. Some days it feels as though if someone threw you a bean bag and asked you something you are good at as a mom, your mind might go blank. You might look around your house and see 2 screaming kids and a baby chewing on their socks. You might see a house that is not clean and frozen chicken sitting on the counter because your forgot to take it out of the freezer this morning. You might have yelled too many times today or maybe you didn’t even have enough energy left to yell. Maybe you’re sitting on the couch watching life go by feeling so overwhelmed by your circumstances you’re not sure which to task to tackle first. So instead you sit there numb, holding that imaginary bean bag telling yourself you’re not good at this. In that moment you feel like you can’t come up with one thing your are good at as a mom. Can I share a secret with you?
You’re not alone. I feel that way sometimes too. There are days I feel like that 9th grade girl who is still so unsure of herself and not sure what to do about it. But the difference between that Freshmen version of myself and now, is knowing, even in that moment of self doubt, that this is a lie. It’s a lie that for some reason we allow ourselves to believe and it’s a lie that we need to stopping perceiving as the truth, because it’s simply not. Just like when I was 14 years old sitting there at the desk. I was good at many different things but I was so wrapped up in comparing myself to others, or allowing other people’s opinion of me effect the way I thought about myself, that it left me feeling so inadequate that I lost sight of who I really was. We do this as moms too. Some days we have those perfect Pinterest, Facebook picture worthy days. And some days.. Well let’s be honest we were lucky to have just survived. But neither one of those days define who we are as moms.
So today, I am tossing the bean bag to you… I want you to tell yourself something you’re good at and then I want you to remember that during those times when everything seems to have gone wrong. The truth is friends, we are only as good as we allow ourselves to feel. The more we compare ourselves to other moms, or other people just in general, the more we lose sight of who we really are. And I would be willing to bet, that if I asked your children right now if they would wanted someone else as their Momma, they would say “no way, not in a million years” because they could catch that bean bag for you and have an endless list of things you’re good at.
That is a great perspective and Good advice to follow. I can use it in many different aspects of life, parenthood being one.