It’s Okay, Not to be Okay

It’s okay, not to be okay.

 

Those were the words I received in a text from a dear friend of mine at a pretty low point in my life. I remember reading it, and instantly crying. It was like she saw the pain I was feeling deep inside, without any other words being exchanged. In a way she released me from this facade I had been putting on, without even really knowing it. For the first time in a long time I allowed myself to feel the pain, the sadness, and the doubt I had been running from for so long. That text, 6 words really, changed the way I looked at life from that point forward.

Up until that point I had always been one of those moms who would always say “I don’t cry in front of my kids” I would do everything in my power to not shed a single tear in front of my children because I was “protecting them.” And truly, I thought I was. I thought that letting them see me sad was a failure on my part. Like all their memories of me and their childhood were somehow supposed to be made up of only happy ones. No tears allowed, from me anyways. But what I was failing to realize was I wasn’t protecting them. In fact I was kind of doing them an injustice. I was teaching them that adults don’t cry. That life’s always okay, and when it’s not, you pretend it is anyways.

I remember one of the first times I finally let myself cry in front of my oldest son (when he was old enough to to understand crying at least because I am fairly certain I cried tears of exhaustion when holding him as an infant) but the first time I really cried when he was older, he came over, held my cheeks while wiping away tears and he told me “Mommy it’s gonna be okay.” He wasn’t alarmed or scared of my tears. He didn’t cry because I was sad. He just comforted me in his little own way. And that was such a teachable moment: For me. He taught me kids understand sadness and respond with empathy and kindness. It taught me that crying once in a while in front of my children wasn’t the end of the world, and it certainly didn’t make me a bad mom. It taught me, It’s okay, not to be okay.

I think this was a valuable lesson for me to learn not just as a mom, but as a friend, a spouse, a sister.. And so much more. Because it showed me, that the more I am willing to admit “Today, I am not okay” the more others are willing to share “Hey, me either.. Let’s talk” instead of living in this world where everyone posts their greatest moments of the day on Facebook or Instagram and pretends everything is okay. We in a sense are screaming “I am okay” through any means possible, even when things simply aren’t.

Well friend, I am here to tell you, it’s okay, not to be okay. It doesn’t make you weak, or depressing or a failure. It’s makes you a functioning human being who’s heart feels deeply. It makes you a person who is experiencing life to its fullest, and that sometimes means experiencing some really low points. I pray you’re willing to share that with someone you trust and can confide in and that person reassures you as my friend did that day, it’s okay, not to be okay.